I have gotten really good at hiding behind multiple walls. I suppose if I spent years in therapy, maybe I would discover some traumatic event that caused me to be this way. I think it’s probably just years of small life lessons that taught me to hide until it was safe to come out.
So here’s the thing. I started this blog for myself with a little bit of hope that others might enjoy reading it. Not the other way around. So I can’t play it safe. I need to put down on “paper” what is in my head because if I don’t, I may get lost up there for good. I am tired of hiding and then being frustrated when no one really knows me. Or each person only knows certain pieces of me, so I never quite feel whole around people.
To be honest, I don’t even really know who I am. Actually, I think that may be bullshit. I think I know who I am but I’m not sure if it’s too late to be that person. Wonderful, so I’m still hiding. Damn it. This honesty thing sucks.
Hmmm…honesty. Step one. Exploring what has changed in my life that is causing some of my strife. Anyone that has known me for more than 5 years will know that there are two versions of me: “Chubby Me” vs. “Less Chubby Me”.
“Chubby Me” weighed 115 pounds more than I do right now. “Chubby Me” didn’t like to go out because she wasn’t comfortable in her own skin. She took up too much physical space so she tried to find ways to make herself as small and quiet as possible. That’s a whole lot of years of wall-building, hiding, and playing it safe.
“Less Chubby Me” “Solid/More Fit Me” (is that better, sis?), doesn’t know who the hell she is. I’m angry that I wasted so many years making decisions based on what was easy with the least risk of failure. And now with so many decisions having been made, how do you unwind all of that to really figure out what you want and who you really are? How do I reconcile those two parts of myself? I don’t know yet. All I know is I am tired of playing it safe, being small, and talking in whispers. So I am determined to figure it out. For the same reason I lost the weight in the first place. For the three little G’s right here. And what does this topic have to do with what I said my blog was supposed to be about? Who the hell cares? It’s my blog.