I made lasagna today. I used a couple different kinds of sauces (thanks Mom for the homemade sauce), three different types of meat, and so…much…cheese. Shredded mozzarella, fresh mozzarella, thin-sliced provolone, ricotta, cottage cheese, parmesan…a beautiful marriage of cheeses. The best part of the whole thing…I didn’t have to think. I put on just the right singing music, my hands took over and poof, two trays of lasagna: one ready to be put in the oven and one ready to be stored in the freezer for a future, undisclosed date.
I love that feeling of being in step. Not off beat. Perfectly in step. Gliding through, appreciating a certain peaceful quiet settling in your brain. The only problem is when you are snatched out of that moment, it feels like someone just took a defibrillator to your head. If you had never entered that peaceful moment, you wouldn’t have experienced the sudden shock.
So what is better, experiencing certain highs only to have a harder time adjusting when you come out of it or to stay in a certain even state all the time? I’m not sure. Because those moments are the moments that carry us through to the next moment. But the shock can be so severe. Maybe being in an even state is better, never feeling too happy or too sad, maybe that’s a safer place to be. Would you trade the extremes if it meant you could just be content all the time? You would never laugh so hard you cried, but you would never cry those heart-wrenching, chest-aching, end of the world type tears either.
It makes me think of the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. The main character wants his memories of his girlfriend erased. She broke up with him and it was so painful, he thought if he could just erase those memories, he could move on. Spoiler alert, he ends up changing his mind and not wanting the memories erased. He’d rather deal with the pain of the break-up, than lose all the happy memories.
What would you do if given the choice? I’d like to think that I would say no, every memory I have makes me the person I am. That’s what I’d like to think I’d say, but I’m not sure if given the actual choice, I’d say no. It’s possible I wouldn’t mind getting rid of a few memories. A few memories where I may have learned something that made me grow as a person, but at a cost of something else. (I wouldn’t mind forgetting that time I decided to get a pixie haircut and thought I would look like Felicity (Keri Russell/WB) only to end up looking more like Chunk from the Goonies.)
So where am I at in all of this silly thought meandering? It’s the end of another weekend, another crazy week ahead, Daylight Savings Time has sucked away the evening sunshine. My stomach is full of delicious lasagna and for now, I’m not ready to give up the highs, all those perfectly in step moments. And in turn I’ll suffer through the lows and the times I’m off beat. I’ll continue to believe that all my memories are pieces of myself and if I lost them, I would lose me in the process. I feel extremely fortunate that my mirror has these three unique little chickens reflecting what they see in me, surrounded with this crazy unconditional love they have for me. Somedays I think I need them more than they need me. Actually I know I do. They are love.