I’ve been thinking a lot about my last blog post The Wishing Well and I started arguing with myself a little. That’s one of the problems I have with this blog. I would love to get into philosophical debates about my posts but since I’m writing in a vacuum, I end up debating myself. The only person-to-person debate I have gotten into recently was if listening to audiobooks is equal to actually reading a book (a debate I will not get into again, simply look up the definition of “listen” and “read”).
I’ll admit, sometimes when I take a certain stance in a post, I’m not always convinced I took the right stance, almost like I’m trying to convince myself of something I don’t truly believe. After I wrote last week’s post, I had to really think about whether or not I even have dreams. To be honest, I’ve never been one to think about the future. It’s easier to adapt if you don’t plan too far ahead.
When I went to Las Vegas the first time, my sister, friends and I went to the Hoover Dam. We stood in that spot where you are in between states. I can’t remember if it was two states or four. All I know is you could be in more than one state at the same time. I feel like that sometimes. Like I am in the middle of two realities. And because I am not fully in one place, neither side is getting all of me. I can’t focus. And the funny thing is, you can only have one reality so I am actually caught between reality and a daydream. One side grounded in the known and one side dangling in the unknown. Why waste time in the unknown? And yet I keep dancing in between. I keep dancing because with each new page revealed, the daydream is less the dream. It begins merging with my reality and it makes promises of a better one. It’s intertwined with my veins and I don’t know where it stops and I begin.
I could fully submerge myself into my known reality, tearing myself away from the unknown, both feet in one state. Completely focus and stop daydreaming. The thought of that makes it hard to breathe though. The weightlessness that is a daydream goes away and my full reality, all the good and the bad surrounds me. And I’m sad and a little hopeless because let’s face it, our current reality, all of it, isn’t all sunshine and rainbows right now. When you have kids protesting for better gun control laws because 17 children were murdered in less than 3 minutes, well, reality can seem a little grim. So I dance in between those states.
It’s safer to never make the dream reality because that reality could be the bad movie version of my novel dream. But there is this chance that it could be just as good if not better than the novel. So what is stopping me from turning this daydream into full reality? It’s so very simple…it’s fear. Fear of failure. And if I fail, if I risk it all and I fail, then my daydream, this thing that fed me joy and helped me get through the day, is gone. It’s over. The sadness and hopelessness takes root again. The dream is ripped from my veins and I’m empty and alone. And who did I hurt, whose dreams did I stall or disintegrate just so that I could fail? Fear is a suffocating bitch.
So let me ask the question from the last post again…do I really want my dreams to come true or do I just want a better reality? I still believe they are one in the same. I want my dreams to come true to better my reality. Some day. When I can feel that the other side of that daydream is reaching out to pull me through. The daydream coursing through my veins so fiercely that I can’t ignore it anymore and I will have finally found the courage inside me to beat back that fear of failure.
Until then, I will try to be content in my reality, dancing between both states. There is no better reality without my daydream. So for now, I’ll be the fat, lazy cat basking in the sun of my daydream, succumbing to the risk of an ice cold bucket of reality shocking me awake, triggering a worse sadness than I could have imagined.