And so begins day 1, year 2 of Until Tomorrow.
I contemplated bringing this writing experiment to an end. The cynical side of me wondered had this blog really accomplished what it set out to do a year ago? Was I really any different or am I still exactly where I was a year ago, trying to work through thoughts I couldn’t get off my mind. Still stuck in a hamster wheel. I thought about my bike riding endeavor and how I never did make it to work and back. I haven’t been able to take a third photography class because I’ve been too busy and traveling a lot for work. My boxing technique is still mediocre at best. On average, only about 25 people read my blog posts.
Then this part of me, the part that looks out for me, told me to stop being a defeatist. The first blog post I wrote was thankful that I could count on, at a minimum, my parents reading my posts. I sort of forgot that part because I got greedy when a couple posts made it over 120 views. That’s why the constant reminder I did this for myself, not for everyone else, has to keep being pounded into my head. So if I quit, it should be because I am tired of writing which I don’t think will ever happen because writing for me is like a fisherman letting out the line on the fishing pole. The fish thinks she’s free and then the fisherman yanks the fish back in. I can’t escape it, it’s an outlet that draws me back every time.
And as far as not having changed over the past year, like most people, it’s hard for me to notice the incremental changes in myself each day. Forcing myself to take the time to reflect on this past year, I now see that I’m not in the same place I was. This blog has played an important role in this amusing road trip.
Case in point. Someone stopped by my desk today and was surprised to see me. I recently moved to a different floor, so I wasn’t where he expected me to be. After we were done politely laughing at his lack of attention to detail, he looked straight at me and said, “You’re different. You’re happy”. This is not someone I know well. We’ve worked together on some tough projects that weren’t going so well for either of us, both under a lot of pressure and dealing with circumstances outside our control. And now, both with new roles at the company, we don’t have to deal with those things anymore. I am noticeably happier to not only people who know me, but acquaintances as well.
I don’t think I have all the answers and I am still figuring out life, but what I realized today is I have moved forward. I think it’s incredible that we have the ability to keep molding into the people we want to be. If I can see the changes in one year, who will I be in 5 years? I’m so much in love with the part of me that reminds me to not give up. My safe haven where I can sink for a few moments and realize I am not alone in any of this. Somehow words always pull me where I need to go. Help me laugh when I get too lost in a dark place. Whether they are my words or someone else’s, words are what save me every time. So I will keep writing until I get tired of it. I won’t quit because for a moment I told myself I hadn’t changed at all this year. That was only a lie I told myself and luckily my safe haven called bullshit.
To those of you still with me, thank you for reading over this past year.