I purchased a new pair of boxing gloves this week. Spent money on something I don’t need, because why not? Every time I come up with a potential purchase it occupies my mind for a little while and distracts me from facing adulthood. I get a little rush of excitement not only researching what I’m about to buy, but buying it, anticipating its arrival and then actually getting this new thing. It’s a nice distraction. I honestly can’t wait for the gloves to get here and the first thing I will do is smell the leather and maybe just admire them for a little bit.
Last night I was supposed to read a 20 page document for work and make all my notes. Instead I surfed for new spring/summer tops, sometimes not even clicking on anything specific, rather just scrolling through the pages similar to how I would stroll through the clothing section at Target to go to the peaceful place in my mind.
The peaceful zoning helps to numb this craving I’m having for an adventure. Not these little goals I keep making for myself, but one of those big kinds of adventures where you cash in all your savings and backpack around the world. Experience life. This safe, comfortable existence seems like such a waste. All of our passports are up to date, why not just go? We could go to countries where people could use a hand building schools, providing clean water, or something equally important. Can you imagine the experiences? Instead we all just keep going through the week, counting the minutes until the weekend, just to start it all over again on Monday.
I want more for my kids than this prescribed existence we all find ourselves trapped in so that we end up spending time buying shit we don’t need. I remember being younger thinking I wouldn’t want to bring children into this world for just this reason, but my selfishness won over and I had kids anyways in order to help anchor me, give me a purpose so I wouldn’t have to search for one myself.
I miss laughing and feeling light and awake and excited and alive. Don’t get me wrong. I am content, I am comfortable. I am grateful. But it’s all packaged inside these walls of the American Dream we marched eyes wide open right into until there was no turning back. I want to get back to seeing the point in all of it. I want my kids to veer towards the path not taken and truly experience life. Take pause and question, really question what our purpose is on this Earth, how short life is, and have a story worth telling. I want them to keep singing, creating beautiful art, appreciating the little things. Loving with all their heart.
I am tired, though. And not brave enough. So I settle back in. Buy another pair of boxing gloves or jeans or sneakers or….whatever it is to give me a momentary fix of excitement. Think about how maybe I will seek out an adventure tomorrow. Or next week. Or when the kids are out of high school. Or when I retire. Or maybe I’ll just sleep, maybe the numbness will set in and I will think a week of vacation a year with my family is plenty of time to relax and truly be. Who needs more than that, right?