Recently I came to a realization. I like to make other people make decisions for me. It’s easier that way. Ask what they think I should do, then they decide for me. Every time I try to make a decision, someone weighs in, I pause, and the next thing you know, I’ve altered what I was about to do. I don’t trust myself. I’m not sure why and I don’t know when it started, but I don’t. It starts with little things, like should I cut my hair shorter. Depending on the response, I either cut my hair or leave it long. Should I buy a pair of shoes? Do I like stripes on me? I am constantly looking for someone to give me the answer. And I am tired of it. I can’t keep leaving my decisions up to others. Deciding by consensus. How will I ever know what I want?
I judge people who play the victim. The ones who think it’s always someone else’s fault. Well, it doesn’t feel great when I look in the mirror and realize maybe I am that person. I think I have no options or the question is too hard. The options aren’t any good, I am stuck in a box. Doesn’t feel great when I realize I am the person who put myself here. I am not stuck, I am paralyzed. Paralyzed because I don’t want to be responsible for the decisions I make. I thought choosing to pause meant I was considerate of other people’s feelings, thoughts, opinions. Instead, it was just a way for me to avoid making a decision.
Driving in the left lane, refusing to speed up, pass the car and move politely back over to the right lane. Driving in the left lane letting people stack up behind me, controlling their speed, refusing to move back to where I am supposed to be. If I move to the right lane, I am going to have to go back through deciding when or if to pass. If I stay in the left lane, I can keep cruising, who cares if the people behind me get mad, I have my blinders on. I’ll just stay in this lane, never making any decisions, letting all the other people behind me get frustrated. Who cares, as long as I am content in my ignorance?
The funny thing is, I love passing people. I love speeding up behind a slower vehicle, quickly moving to the left lane, going even faster, then moving back over to the right even if it means doing it all again in 5 minutes. It’s a rush, it keeps me awake, and I feel alive and in control. I need to start feeling each moment and knowing what I want in that moment, not relying on someone else to tell me. I realize that’s a lifetime I have to undo, but I’m ready to start. I look at my three little girls who are not so little anymore and I owe it to them to start acting like an adult and not the little kid I seem to have struggled to outgrow. People may not always like the decisions I make or the way I choose to live my life, but at the end of the day, it’s my life. I have to figure out how to live it and I have wasted so much time letting others choose for me. It’s time I start trusting myself.