Working on yourself is hard. Right now, I am hyper-focused on three things: what I want, trusting myself, and making my own decisions. I recently discovered I am a lot like Julia Robert’s character in Runaway Bride…each boyfriend made her his favorite style of eggs which then became her favorite. She never really knew how SHE liked her eggs. She let them decide for her. What’s better for people who don’t trust themselves and don’t like to make decisions? Surrounding themselves with people who will do it for them.
I’ve been creating a lot of PowerPoints at work and it reminds me when you move shapes from the front to the back or back to the front. I have been chillin’ in the back and I am trying to force myself to the front. (Hopefully someone out there actually still uses PowerPoint and gets this reference. I know a better comparison exists, but my head is refusing to let go of PowerPoint shapes.)
It’s interesting to me when I tell people about the self-doubt in my head. They look at me with this shocked expression as if to say “What, I thought you thought you were perfect?” While I may appear this way, I assure you that is not the case. I am perfectly aware of my non-perfect existence. And the more I dive in, the more I realize, I am even further from perfect than originally believed. Yet, I am okay with this. I will admit, it’s taken me a few days to adjust to this new found understanding that I may have some deeper issues needing fixing, but at least I know. And yes GI Joe, knowing IS half the battle.
I’ve lived my life in the middle. Literally and figuratively. Being a middle child, I learned to adapt to situations, mediate, compromise, keep the peace. While all this has served me well in certain situations, it’s also caused me to be a
little LOT wishy-washy. Hem and haw. Deliberate endlessly. It’s exhausting not being able to just make a damn decision, living in fear of the consequences, caring so much about other people’s feelings that somehow I lost that my feelings might matter too.
So now what? I am not going to let people make decisions for me. I am going to think long and hard about what movie I want to see, choose it, and if it sucks, oh well. Same with picking a restaurant. Of course, I’m working on the big decisions too, but first gotta start small, then figure out how to scale my new decision-making abilities eventually working towards sustainment (wow, I’ve been at work too much this week).
Warning…I am going to be a little selfish. And I’m going to be a lot direct. Which means I might surprise some people, might piss some people off. And I am not going to apologize. This could possibly cause me to be perceived as an asshole or maybe actually be an asshole, but I don’t care. It’s either this or I will be sitting in a corner, facing the wall, covering my ears, hoping life stops asking me questions. Change is the worst. But it usually leads to something amazing. I can’t keeping defaulting to what’s comfortable, unless it is an active choice I’ve made.
“It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all. The opposite of love is indifference.”